Roaming...

...death is.
Your dear mère grand, and today I learn one of my best friends, a guy I've known for more than 33 years and whit whom I shared most of my youngster and young adult experiences has a terminal cancer - brain tumour to wide spread to be completely eradicated through cirjury.
He will go to the hospital monday.
Operated Thursday.
I don't know if he'll ever get out or if he risks passing on the table.
I need to see him but I'm absolutely penniless.
It hits hard to know someone so vibrant and full of life might be gone and you don't even get a chance to say goodbye. It got tears to my eyes.
Death is a part of life, but I don't really know how to handle it, never did (that's why I'm not bugging you latelly, I really don't have a clue of what to say, I know nothing more than to offer you my love).
Life could be simpler sometimes...

...guess I'll
C you around   - in  life.

Words

A few little words of appreciation just lit my day - simple words of someone who wants to share something with me.

That's probably what I'm missing most, to mean something (meaningful would be better) to someone.

I wash myself in the dim glow of those little words and warm my heart to their sound.

"I"

"I" is a fiction built upon the though that without Others we are something.
The fall of a tree in the forest is noiseless because there's no one there to listen.
The physical phenomenon is of no importance.
Presence is the worthy and all justifying variable.
Not the presence of the fictionnal "I"
But the presence of the Others that make the fiction real.
For what is a fiction without an audience?
And what is an audience without an author?
What are the Others without the "I"?
What is the "I" without the Others?
Nothing.
To exist is to be present.
To be present is to relate.
Existince Is relation.
Built bridges.
Broken bridges.
Untended bridges.
And Me?
What am I without
You?
And Me?
What am I without
"I"?

Whatever is it that "I" am,
Hope to
C you around

Violent Poetry - Horreur du Vide

This is a text I already published on Facebook, but the topic of "Violent Poetry" just came to my mind today and so I decided to have a go at it and "Horreur du Vide" was already writen, which turned out handy.
I will on occasion post other stuff - be warned, I don't write on a regular basis and seldom happy thoughts...
Most of the times you just get sadness over something, it's my way of ridding myself of troublesome feelings...
Here it goes, for what it's worth.


Horreur du Vide

Que le jour de ma naissance soit oublié

Que ce jour devienne un jour de ténèbres

Que la lumière n'y soit pas

Que le noir le plus profond l'embrasse dans son sein

Qu'une éclipse solaire le torture

Que les ténèbres y emportent la nuit

Qu'il ne puisse pas trouver sa place

Dans la séquence des jours et des mois

Que sa nuit soit stérile

Une nuit sans un son de joie

Que ceux qu'y éveillent la lumière maudissent ce jour

Que les étoiles du matin n'y voient pas le soleil

Que les premiers rayons de soleil ne chauffent pas sa nuit

Qu'il n'ouvre pas les portes au ventre de ma mère

Quand je suis arrivé au Monde

Des cuisses n'auraient pas dû m'accueillir

Des seins n'auraient pas dû me nourrir

Pourquoi ne suis-je pas mort dans ses bras?

J’aurais été enterré, jeté comme un avorton

Comme un enfant qui n'a jamais vu la lumière

Je n'aurais jamais connu la plénitude

Pour la perdre après et vivre

l'Horreur du Vide

C you around...

The Dancer

Lovely song - would love to have someone play it or sing it for my, meaning it if for the length of the track

That's the kind of tune that makes you feel all emotional and mushy inside, don't you agree with me?

Tell me the next time I

C you around

window to the world

is this my new window to the world?

i regret already having shared this url with too many ppl, I already feel restricted in what i write or not
in the long term i suppose it is of no importance, i woun't give a fuck if someone reads what i wrote in the past

but right now i feel like writing about sex, emotions, decisions and life and this won't be the place to do it anymore - too many potential readers

i do ask myself what's the point of a blog, then...
...i suppose it replaces the (now) old-fashioned intimate journal, but being accessible to a lot of different ppl through our own modern ocean we so like to surf, it becomes kind of pointless... besides, i type faster than i write, nowadays...

what pushes ppl to bare their souls for the world to see?

why am i doing this and feeling the need to do it?

do i need to communicate that badly? whom am i writing to? do i expect answers?

my present answer to all my questions is just i don't know

this is not my first "unconfort" post in this blog, and i tire of this ranting myself...

i have a plan for this blog - i'll be using it to write the "book" i've been telling myself for years i shall write

the one where the action takes place in two different places and three different epochs in time, where cause and relation do not follow logic, where the flap of butterfly wings just cause a sceptic to fall from his pedestal and look for a soft bosom to lay his head on

i believe i'll start doing that as of my next post

and i might (or not) start a new, more personnal blog sans readers, where i'll be abble to express myself without fearing the consequences or the impact of my words on others

i'll think about that one, because i can achieve the same feeling of pouring my soul to the paper just writing a doc file...

in any case, this blog will keep on living, at least for a while, so

C you around

Life, music and dreams

I took a couple of days off, which means I'm home for four full days in a row.
I didn't have the kids around this weekend;

Just spent some time by myself, getting up to date with sleep (it's been a rough couple of months on that department, been chatting around an awful lot with an insomniac lovely lady and I get up early in the morning...), reading a few pages, surfing, job hunting, no serious stuff.

I actually don't know that much where I'm going right now...

Should I stay at the sofa, hit the kitchen table?

I'm talking about Life in general...

I have some important decisions to make, some regarding money, some regarding family. I quit trying to decide anything about love because it never ever turns out the way I want expect.

But all of the above are getting me in a turmoil.

I once wrote - and if I didn't write it I told it to a lot of people, I'm sure - the only way (for me, up to now) to get over someone is to find the next one.

I NEED to find that next one.

The good part in this is that intelectually I know exactly where I am, but this sack of blood, shit, sperm and bones is not that good at acknowledging what the mind tells it (a bit like a slam by Grands Corps Malade http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvmG8vjm-Q8).

I live a period in life where problems (money, divorce, etc) are starting to untangle, where I have people who care for me and people I care for, but I'm not happy and I don't like it.

Better yet, I decided to do something about it.

I just don't know what!

It would be a lot easier if the people I care for and the people that care for me were one and the same, so I guess that should be my priority.

But I told you before I stopped trying in that department, due to that want expectectations issue.

Life isn't made of dreams, even if I sometimes wish it were.

In the mean time, I've got my books and my music and someone to talk to and have interesting conversations, so I'll just make the best out of it while I don't reach a conclusion.

You'll be in it, for certain, whichever it is.

C you around

The begining of the end... or is it the other way around?!

No good ending can be expected in the absence of the right beginning. It is too late. - I Ching

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. - Seneca

When small men begin to cast big shadows it means the sun is about to set. - Lyn Yutang

There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning. - Louis L'Amour

Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible. - St. Francis of Assisi

What the caterpillar calls the end the rest of the world calls a butterfly. - Lao Tzu

"Live" vs written conversations

Which is the most rewarding?
I definitely prefer live, at least for now - first live, then crime ;)

C you around

Life?

No fundamental topic today.
Again.
My blog is a little bit like my life, it doesn't know that much where to go.
Well, it's worse for my blog than for my life.
I know what I want out of life at least, which is more than what I know about my blog.
Doesn't mean I can get it, though.
Doesn't even look like I am going to, not for the time being at least.
But as with most things in life, it takes time.
And as with everything that takes time doing, it's probably worth  the wait.
I very much hope so.
Anyway, I'd continue writing, but my red tabby is up and around messing things up.
I guess he wants to go outside, so I have to take my leave.

C you around

Cannon fodder

I'm forcing myself to write this, just to acquire the habit of writing regularly...
I suppose I won't be doing it on a dailly basis for long, anyway.
It's been a grey day with a relentless wind and non stop rain.
I didn't work, got the kids tonight, spent the night away - everything should be great!
The thing is... it's not.
It's not bad either - I got nothing wrong coming my way.
But there was something important missing.

C you around

IV. Virtual vs Real

In a previous post I asked myself about the interaction of the virtual and "real" life of each individual.
In this one I play on a graver register - the virtual world menaces to take over the real one, in order to maintain people in a perpetual state of allertness and fear, without time to think by themselves and for themselves...

I find no better way to translate this than by posting a video of Toulouse based electro-punks Punish Yourself, in a not so subtle metaphore on how the media manipulates our collective minds...

You don't like the music? Fine by me, I do have peculiar musical tastes. But listen to the message in it, research, draw your own conclusions, think for yourself.

Don't let their virtuality become your reality.

C you around

III. VTD - Visually Transmited Diseases

Back in the early '00s I was all about fair skin, dark haired, light eyed ladies - I even married one, once.

In '04 I got infected with a strange, new virus, a visually transmited disease: Ginger Virus!

Now my life has changed a bit during the last 2 years, most of the changes for worst or at least really different.
I'm finally picking up the bits and pieces of the mess I allowed to take place and guess what? There's your ginger virus again!
Life (emotional life, that is!) is moronic - one is very seldom happy with what he is or has, but when there is loss involved, it automatically gets bigger, whatever it is you lost (for me, at least).
I "lost" a wife and didn't even win back a friend - the Horror! The Tragedy! The Pain!
And then I stoped feeling sorry for myself after metting a new, interesting, vital, ginger girl.

Her part is done, my turn to play now.


Thank you Candy

C you around

Music

If this blog thing works out, we're bound to see a lot of posts concerning this subject, as it is one of my main pleasures in life...

...and today I achieved an extraordinary feat : to discuss, on the same facebook post, about Sopor Aeternus and Eisenfunk...

I suppose I won't be able to do something like this again in a near future - these are not polar oposites, they are just absolutely un-related.

This capacity to find similar points in such disparate subjects is something I value a lot.

I'm not a physicist, I know nothing about the chaos theory, but the image of the flutter of the wings of a butterfly in Brazil provoking a major hurricane in China makes perfect sense for me - everything is connected, related in a way or another.

Sooooo.... if in my music posts you jump from folk music to extreme metal with a little stop at the disco for a quick danse or two, don't be surprised :)

And if you unexistant reader can do the same for me and point me to new stuff - be it music, literature, art or cinema - do not hesitate to!!!

C you around

II. The meaning of (virtual) life

Interesting case study.

I know from personnal experience how behaviour changes when communicators are hidden behind their screens.

Everything seems easier, there's less diffidence, it becomes possible to unveil parts of yourself that would normally trigger feelings of apprehension, lack of comfort, awkwardness...

I even experienced this with my own brother - that was strange.

All our screens (netbooks, tablets, PC's, smartphones, even the classic mobile phones and their small sized screens) allow us to communicate via text, audio and/or video, but with an added frontier - the ilusion of proximity is impossible, there's no heat, no physical contact, no smell, what one can see is controled by the users.

What does all this say about us?

How come are there people thriving in this fashion?

Are they any different for that in the real (as opposed to virtual) world?

Am I?

Some of the people I care for right now are people I met this way - I felt trapped in the real world, couldn't reach others, new people, new stories, new knowledge to share.

So, maybe I'm asking to be read, and I write all this as a testimony to myself or maybe I'm just blabering some incoherent nonsense that will never be read - "god" knows there's no structure and no guideline to what I write, most of the times...

C you around

I. In the begining there was light...

...as in a very light blog, with very light posts.
It's my first - I've been challenged to do one by a dear friend.
Not really challenged - we were talking abour hers and she asked me what would I write in mine.
No answer, no thoughs, no nothing.
The idea of launching and mantaining a blog never crossed my mind before.
But I'll give it a try - I always do.
So, writing for myself or for the casual reader will now consume part of my time - at least for a while!

C you around